What comes to mind when you think of that word? Probably galaxies far, far away…stars…aliens?
I want to talk about a whole different kind of space today.
Are you cluttered up inside? Do you have space?
I was meditating the other day when I asked, “What do I do to market better?” This is something that’s always on a creative artist’s mind.
As I sat there the most unusual answer came to me. “Space in yourself to manifest.”
I was baffled a bit by this answer, because of course I’m thinking I’d hear, “Work harder, post more, email lists, blah, blah.” Then I go and hear something about space? Huh?
This is the message I received:
“Space in yourself to manifest. Space in the mind is a powerful tool to manifest. Emotional distance between you and your goal hinders it. Space to create is the most powerful. Clear out space. Clear out mind clutter, soul clutter, and old chatter. Old emotions block up the space to create. FEEL them fully. People fill their heads with noise. You want to empty the head of noise. Mind noise prevents people from actually listening. Space is formed by clearing the noise.”
Whether this was my spirit talking, Holy Spirit, or an angel, I’m unsure, but it continued with these steps:
Step 1: Noise reduction. There isn’t a “no noise” switch or solution, but there is resources for less noise. Emotional noise is a real thing in the air. Pollution of real emotions happens–but you can filter it.
Step 2: Breathing. Learn it. Do it.
Step 3: Repeat Step 4–laugh at all life. Keep it light–keep it fun. (I received step 4 before 3)
Step 4: Take these steps seriously, but also learn to see humor in all life.
This was the final piece of info I received:
Be present as much as possible. Create less noise pollution in yourself and others. Others FEED on emotional disturbances. They thrive on it. Create less “drama” for the masses to feed on. Let go of the need to feed.
Today I beat the sh** out of ten bags of ice.
Why you ask?
I’m doing a divorce recovery program right now called The Naked Divorce, which I’d highly recommend to anyone going through divorce or having been divorced. I’d even recommend this to someone who’s been through breakups or trauma to be honest.
Today felt amazing.
I was a bit nervous about the “releasing of emotions” day in the program. I stacked my ice up, got my baseball bat (I had goggles and gloves on) and I started to pour out my anger about my marriage. I had NO clue how angry I was inside about it all. From anger to sadness to anger and back to sadness, it all came out.
I realized so many things about my heart–I’d literally gave my ex EVERY piece of it. When that line came out of my mouth I lost it. I just sobbed and sobbed. Years and years of pain and disappointment came out. And you know what?
I feel amazing now.
If you are suffering on the inside with anger, fear, sadness, or whatever type of emotion, and you keep repressing it, this will lead to depression.
I was already heading toward depression, and I could feel it. For one, I haven’t wrote on a book in well over a month. Which is CRAZY for me. Even though I’ve written some stuff, and for work I’ve written stuff, but my own sense of creativity took a nose dive. All that anger was pulling me into the dumps.
Thank God for the Naked Divorce Program!
If you can relate with this, I’d advise you to get that program, and stick to it! Also, if you need a way to vent, buy some ice and have at it! You’ll feel good! I allowed my emotions to come up, and I also kept saying to myself, “If there is more, come out now.” Because we tend to spend years and years repressing our feelings. Which can lead to sickness and disease.
Let it out people!
Today is my birthday.
I felt antsy today while sitting at my desk, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. So, I got myself ready and headed outside for a bike ride. I’ve been going for a nature adventure everyday, and I love it! So, I started the ride and headed toward a woodsy nature trail I found the other day. While, riding, I was self reflecting and trying to figure out my unsettled, antsy feeling. I had experienced a few spouts of anxiety the last couple days, and I felt like this tied in with it.
I talked to God while riding my bike.
If you feel you can’t understand what is happening on the inside of you, try this sometime. Sometimes having a dialogue with God helps a lot. So, I’m going back and forth with Him, trying to figure out what was happening on the inside. It wasn’t exactly sadness, but something else. So, I’m digging in trying to uncover the root and what is going on. Suddenly, it hits me. Life felt purposeless.
Not like I want to go kill myself purposeless, but like a “Life is just OK” type of feeling. Where I felt like it would always just be ‘eh’ for the rest of my life. Not driven, not meaningful just ‘meh’. Get my drift?
What God said
Suddenly, God starts talking to me about ME. I’ve been on this self-love journey, and it has really, really helped me so much in uncovering my own heart’s issues. He starts talking to me about my purpose. Guess what it was?
To just BE.
Doesn’t sound Earth shattering or fireworks-like right? Well, let me explain a bit further. He starts saying to me that my purpose is just to have my presence here on Earth. To be a light, filled with love, and to show love to others too. That my very essence is my PURPOSE. This made me overwhelmed and I started to cry, because here’s the thing. I’ve always been driven to DO something great. To help others. Bring love, healing, and hope to people around me. Then that gentle voice just says, “You already are.” Me just being me here on this planet is a purpose.
Kick out the Works
This takes our works out of the equation. Sometimes we base our entire life on what we DO. We are a mom, a pastor, a daughter, a friend, a co-worker, a painter, a singer etc. We are a role. We sometimes forget that we are a spirit put in a body. That spirit is connected to divine LOVE. And when we just allow ourselves to BE, we connect with the source of Love.
Trying to explain this encounter is a challenge, but it literally freed me. I started riding with this essence of love, joy, peace, and purpose. It doesn’t matter if I’m a millionaire, write a billion books, or help tons of people. Who I am is purposeful. Not what I do. Just who I am.
Tears are coming to my eyes, again, because this gets to me hard. It’s not what you do, lovely, it’s who you are that shakes the world with love. If you tap into that woman or man, your very presence will change people and make a difference.
Healing needs to happen
When you’re going through a time of healing in your life (from divorce, breakups, health issues, finances, marriage issues, friendship problems) you have to find that part of you. You need to find the YOU that can just BE in her own space. I think I’ll write another blog post about being in your own space, because I could write a book. (I probably will one day.) But, we fill our head with so much noise, we don’t even allow ourselves to tap into who we are. We run away from our pain, emotions, and problems. I’ve discovered through this program I’m doing to heal from divorce, a whole new side to myself. I’m not rejecting my emotional side. I love it. Love who you are. Be who you are. You are a purpose.
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Today was kinda weird.
I started a program for divorce recovery, called the Naked Divorce. It’s highly suggested to not be in a relationship, so that you can heal, and really sort yourself out. So, I talked to my boyfriend, and he and I are on a break. It kinda sucked, but I knew this was the best thing for my heart.
For about the first hour, I was pretty good, and then the feelings of “aloneness” hit me. Like this panicky feeling of not having someone in my life, and not having those daily touches–texts–calls. These are the feelings I’m trying to overcome. I even had this morbid thought of, “What’s the point of life without someone to share it?” Don’t worry, I’m fine. But, that opened up a whole new realm in my mind of thinking such as “Why do I believe me, by myself, isn’t worth much?” And that made me realize, this fear needs confronted.
Trembling. Shaky. Anxiety-ridden fear. These are some of the feelings I’ve been facing lately, and it comes and goes. When you divorce, you face these a lot. It doesn’t matter if you initiated the divorce or they did. You get scared. Being alone scares me to death for some reason, and I know I need to confront this head on.
I’m a grown adult, but these emotions make me feel like I’m 3-years-old and can’t do anything for myself. The world seems so huge, and it can feel like the ground is shaking beneath your feet.
4. You want to make it go away
I’ve been learning through my program not to do short term avoidance tactics such as movies, obsessive cleaning, socializing, drinking etc. There are tons of things people want to do to avoid their emotions. I’m learning to accept, feel, and love all my emotions. They have layers. Feel each layer deeply.
Today I felt so weirdly numb. I felt like I was in a fog or something. I try to tell myself that these types of feelings don’t last forever. They WILL pass.
I think I’ve had on and off heaviness in my life for years and years. I want to get to the root of these fears and pains, so that I can actually LIVE, and live for me. I’ve always been taught that you need to live for others, but I see how this can create a very poor mindset in yourself. You need to LIVE for you, and you will give out of that.
There is Hope
I want to encourage you if you are facing a divorce or an aftermath of one. There is hope. There is a better tomorrow. Don’t discount your grief. Don’t just tell yourself you’re fine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t do anything. Emotions will come up in some way shape or form. Let them come out in a healthy way.
I read something in the program that was interesting. Facing a divorce is probably worse than a death. I say this because people who have a death in their life, get more emotional support. Often times a divorced person, get’s little to no support, and many people treat it like a disease that could be catching. They get panicky about their own relationship.
People are weird around divorcees and don’t know what to say. It’s okay. Give them a pass. There is help for those suffering from divorce. I am about to start this 21 day journey in a day or so, and I will keep you posted about how this is helping me. I pray for all the divorcees out there. I know how you feel. We have to believe that it WILL get better. I’m not there yet. I’m not sunshine and roses, but I trust that God has led me to the right source.
I love you all
This started with a book.
Surprise, surprise I was reading a book (or listening since my robot kindle was reading it to me). This book is by a friend of mine named Chuck Crisco. As the words washed over me, sparks were flying inside of my heart. Dreams of my heart. Love. Belief. All of it stirring all around me.
This blog post isn’t about that book, but what happened just short after I got home. The moment I stepped out of my car, my feet hitting the gravel, I got this revelation.
I won’t feel love if I don’t believe I’m loved.
I’m a divorcee. It sucks. It’s painful, and there are a million emotional obstacles to overcome after a divorce. I find myself constantly questioning my boyfriend’s love for me. Today we had a conversation, and he told me that it hurts him that I don’t believe him when he says, ‘I love you’. The moment I stepped out of the car, these thoughts started to come to me.
I will never feel anyone’s love if I don’t believe in it.
It’s like this. God loves you, right? You’ve heard it, heard it, heard it. But, do you actually believe it in your heart, so you can FEEL it? I’ve been on a self-love journey (learning to love me) and it’s been a struggle to get there. As I listened to Chuck’s book some of the revelation he spoke got to me. It’s not just me loving me, it’s God’s love inside of me, giving me the love to love me. Confused yet?
Someone can do things for you, be there for you, support you, and even tell you that they love you, but if you don’t believe what they are saying is true, then it never will be true for you. Love isn’t just about a “feeling” but a choice to believe in it. That’s what gives you a feeling. No one forces you to feel one way or another–you do.
You can reject love simply by rejecting the belief that someone loves you for you.
My boyfriend makes me think all the time. I’ll ask him, “Why do you love me?” And his reply simply is, “Because I want to.” Those replies give me more questions such as, “But tell me why? What did I do or say that caused it?” And he simply patiently will say back, “Because I want to.”
Think about it in these terms.
Why does God love you? Is it because you have blonde hair, blue eyes, and the perfect dimples? Is it because you did everything just right? Is it because you can sing or dance? Why does God love you?
Because He wants to.
God’s choice to love us goes beyond what we can do. It simply IS. Now, it’s up to us to believe that He loves us, and accept it deep into our hearts.
My last post was about, God loves me, but do I? I think my mindset is shifting again, into the thought that I need to believe that God loves me. I need to believe others love me. And dang, I need to believe that I love me too. Love is the key to everything here. When we shut our hearts off to love, that’s where pain abides.
I dare you to open your belief to love again. I triple dog dare you to open your world to believe that someone is crazy about you.
His name is Jesus.
I believe the number one reason why marriages fail is this: there is no more belief that the person loves you. I know that was my thoughts. I would combat it all the time. I also believe that if you don’t love yourself, you’ll always reject others’ love too. You won’t find yourself worthy to receive love. I believe that was the case with my ex. He couldn’t love himself, therefore he couldn’t receive my deep love for him either. I also combated loving myself, so you mix the two and it creates a disaster.
Eventually, if you don’t love yourself (and allow love from God in) you will push away everyone who loves you too.
Love brings healing. Open your heart to love. Believe.
From a Divorcee
As believers, we are taught that God loves us. While we tend to have this core belief deep inside our hearts, we all seem to have one giant challenge staring us in the eye.
How do I love me?
I know without a shadow of a doubt that Father God loves me. I was raised a Christian with these principles, and I have a deep understanding of Daddy’s heart toward me. I know things happen, fall apart, and I get discouraged, but that underlining truth always hits me. God Loves Me.
Negative Self Talk is a Punch in the Gut
So, why do we struggle with self-hatred, pain, beating ourselves up, blaming ourselves, or throwing darts at our own heart? If we know God “loves” us, why can’t we seem to feel it? Are we just not working hard enough to grasp it? As this thought progressed, I began to think one thing: I was created with love, to love, for love, and to be love.
Take a Look in the Mirror
If I am rejecting any part of myself and wounding myself, how can I feel love in that area or show it for that matter? Will I ever fully understand how to love another if I can’t turn that love and affection on myself?
Why do all of us face the “I’m not good enough” feeling? Is it because God doesn’t love us? Or we don’t know the price He paid? No. I believe no, no, no.
I know God’s love. I understand it. But, the one thing I’ve struggled with for years and years is loving myself. I can accept Father’s loving embrace and bury my face in his warm chest. (I’m visual, so I do stuff like this when I pray) But, when it comes to loving and forgiving myself I feel this big wall.
Every issue that pops up lately with me, I’ve started to realize something. I am not loving that part of myself. I’ve said for years to myself, “You’re too emotional.” The other day on the phone with my boyfriend I said, “I’m just afraid I’ll be too much for you. That my emotions you won’t be able to handle.” He proceeded to tell me again and again, “Love yourself. You’re putting yourself down.”
It struck me between the eyes
Dang it. I don’t.
Every cutting remark toward myself is diminishing my confidence and self-love and acceptance, and when I do that, I think others don’t love me in that area to. I search, search, search for someone to fill that love inside of me. But, somehow it always ends up short. Why?
The Mystery behind it all
If you don’t love yourself, in an area, you’ll never allow anyone else to either. Wow. Colors and lights. This was a revelation to me lately. I’ve been reading several books, and it feels the more I read them, the more I get this slowly trickling into my head. I need to love me. If I don’t, I will vomit my lack of self-love onto others and expect them to “fill” it, but the problem is, I won’t allow them to because my subconscious will reject it outright. Or, my subconscious will bring my beliefs to me again and again through the law of attraction.
Don’t believe me?
Take a look at your life. What has happened again and again? Have you blamed others for your lack of love, your hurts, pains etc? Has everything and everyone made you feel like a victim? Have compassion on yourself. Love yourself. Give yourself space to grow. You need you. I’m telling you right now. You need yourself. I know that sounds weird, and I think most Christians are cringing at my words, because dang it, we were taught not to love ourselves. You need to only, only, only believe that God loves you. I’ll quote Christ in this one: Mark 12:31 The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.”
So, if we are to love our neighbor as ourselves what does that look like? Do you blame yourself? Criticize yourself? What does your self-love look like? Be honest. So, if you can’t love you, how do you expect yourself to be able to love other people? It won’t happen. You will constantly try to pull out of them the love you need for yourself. You’ll blame, shame, cry, and get angry at others.
I confess I’ve done it a lot.
When you’ve been through a divorce, you have a lot of crap. Baggage hits you in the face, and you have to sort through a million, jillion emotions. You really don’t like yourself very much. In doing this, you have to learn to recover your self-love, because it takes a beating like no other. I catch myself constantly falling into self-criticism, and I have to stop it and take a look at what I’m thinking and saying. I dare you to start paying attention to your thoughts about yourself. Would you say that over anyone else???
We are so hard on ourselves. I used to think the empty feeling, when I was a teen, was because I didn’t know God enough. Which of course created this crazy, crazy thirst that never left me satisfied. I think God all along wanted me to understand, “Accept, love, and be who I’ve created you to be.”
He wants us to love ourselves. Wouldn’t you want your kid to? Your kid may even know that you love them, accept them, and are proud of them, but if they cut themselves down, it doesn’t add up to anything. They have to learn to love themselves, or all your words go in one ear and out the other.
Bottom line is, God loves you, but do you?
Everyone hits it.
The breaking point. It doesn’t matter who you are or how “mature” you are, you’ll come to a place where you hit the breaking point.
We all have insecurities, fears, sorrow, and disappointments we face in our lives. Everyone deals with these things in a few ways.
- Stuffs it
- Builds it
- Denies it
That’s a few I’ve noticed people do over the years.
My own breaking point hit last summer. I was a “build it/deny it” type of person. Where for years and years my marriage was a mess, and I tried to juggle the pain of it by denying that it was “okay” and also trying to believe that it would all work out in the end. I had this endless so called “faith” that kept me going. But, looking back I see that it wasn’t faith, it was mostly denial. My mental state snowballed over the course of five years until I literally hit the breaking point.
What is the breaking point?
When you’re done, you’re DONE. You have nothing left to give emotionally to the situation, and no one can talk you out of your point of view, no matter what they say. These breaking points start with a simple thing. A LIE.
People around you can love the socks out of you, but if you have allowed a lie to slowly build over the years, and haven’t dealt with your childhood issues, your pain from relationships, and have stuffed, denied, or allowed them to build they will BLOW. And it won’t be pretty, guys. When this breaking point hits, you hurt a lot of people. I know I did. I regret a ton of stuff when I hit that point, and I literally (when I think of it now) was crazy. When I think about my state of mind, at that stage, I was a different person. I don’t even recognize her at all.
The shrapnel of your “breaking point” will be worse than dealing with it before it hits that point. Trust me. I know. I really, really know. You will live with the guilt of people you hurt, things you did, and the things you didn’t do too. If you are feeling the build up of pain, fear, and lies inside of you I have one piece of advice: DEAL WITH IT.
Things you think when you reach your breaking point
- It’s all “their” fault.
- They don’t care
- People don’t like me
- They are against me
- I’m better off on my own
- I want to run away
- They don’t really love me
There is many, many more toxic thoughts that roll around in your head. I want to beg you, warn you, and shout from the rooftops about this subject. It’s been killing me inside to see so many marriages, relationships, and people hit that point and not return.
YOU MUST DEAL WITH YOUR PAST.
Sorry for the caps, but I want to stress it over and over. I’m still dealing with my past, and it STILL comes up about my ex and my 12 year relationship. Of course you’re in pain. Of course you’re sad, discouraged, and hurting. But, please, before it reaches the end game, get help. Contact a counselor, a friend, or find material to read, listen to, or watch that will help you deal with your build up of pain.
In my last article I talked about the “looper” personality and the empath. This personality tends to have a rougher time, because they get stuck in this endless painful loop.
Let me tell you a story.
There once was a girl, twenty-something, pretty, lively. She had a dream. A dream to be a mom and a wife and to live happily ever after. She married a nice guy, they settled down, and started their journey together.
Then 3 years ticked by, and the girl asked the boy for a baby. It was a no go. Again, years ticked by, and it was into year 5. The girl again, begged, pleaded, cried for a child, falling into depression. The boy said no. More and more years ticked by, and it reached year 10. The girl was in her thirties, in pain, believing her husband had tricked her, lied to her, and didn’t love her.
This was me. My breaking point hit at year 10, and mixed in with a lot of pain, I left my husband. The story is a mess after that, but you get the point. When you hit this point, all you see is through those pain-filled glasses, and everyone you love takes a beating. You tend to think they are out to “get you, abuse you, or hurt you” because you haven’t dealt with an underlining issue.
Did my husband love me? Maybe in his own way, but he never dealt with his issues about not wanting a kid, and it bled into our marriage–thus creating pain and a breaking point for me. I didn’t hear one single word he said after my breaking point.
Give yourself a Voice.
I’m still learning this one, since I repressed so much pain. I am still recovering the little girl who had a dream. I am part of an amazing leadership team(Life Leadership) that talks about dreaming, and all I can feel is a giant painful hole where mine used to be. Will I recover? Yes. Will you recover? Yes.
Don’t just see red
When you’re in this spot, you see everyone as a bad guy. Believe me I could tell you stories in my own life that would make your toes curl. People who always loved me, I looked at in a red haze of pain, and I couldn’t seem to find the love I knew was there. I only saw them one way. If this sounds like your life, please understand that people love you. Your family loves you. Your friends love you. They are HURTING because you are hurting. If someone reaches out to you, don’t bat their hand away, see through the haze. Allow someone in.
See the light
There is light for you. There is hope for you. If you are experiencing great pain like I did about marriage or family I have one warning: Don’t break your ties.
You may be going through hell right now, but reach out to someone. If you feel like you don’t trust anyone, there are programs to get emotional and mental health. Believe me, if you just decide to “end it all” you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. I’m talking marriages, friendships, family ties, whatever the case is here.
One more thing
Some relationships ARE toxic. But, in the breaking point it’s hard to know better. If you need a break to think, then do so, but without killing all your relationships. My one regret was rushing my own divorce and not just letting myself heal for a bit. Would it of still ended? Maybe. But, the fact that my breaking point shoved me forward to destroy everything kills me now.
If you are in the middle of a divorce, pause for a moment. Take a breath. Is your partner willing to work it out? Is he/she willing to change? Is he/she trying his best? I know they hurt you. I understand. I really, really do. But, in the breaking point you hear NOTHING. You feel NOTHING. You think all they are doing is lying, lying, lying.
Don’t do anything rash. Give yourself a breather. Deal with your pain. Deal with it. Please. For your mental and emotional health. For your family, friends, and even acquaintances. The ripple effect of a breaking point is like a hurricane, destroying everything. You hurt a lot more people then you know. I’m not trying to guilt you. This is from a divorcee who knows. I know the pain you go through, and I am still dealing with it a year later.
I love you guys.
I am what I call a “looper”. Which simply means I take a thought and engage it over and over and over and over. Okay, you get the point, right? As I’ve learned the science of thought, I’ve come to know that a conscious thought has to change; for the good or bad. It ALWAYS changes. So, if you have a thought like, “No one likes me.” And you dwell on it, think about it, and see through that light, then it will snowball into a heightened state. Now, here’s the kicker.
If you’re highly sensitive or empathic it’s worse.
If you are a highly emotional person, a loop is even worse. You build up a toxic geyser of thoughts and eventually it BLOWS. And when it blows up, nothing else seems to get through but that one thought you’ve looped for who knows how long.
How do I understand myself?
First of all, admit to yourself you’re a empathic looper. To understand yourself is the first key. There is a technical term for ‘looper’ but I just feel this is easier to understand. I, as of late, have been trying to accept my emotions and love myself despite them. Sometimes when you are this personality you beat yourself up for feeling so much.
You also RUN on feeling. It’s your superpower, more or less, in this world. You’re sensitive to others needs, you give compassion, empathy, and love to others in a much more extreme sense. But, if you’re not careful, this blessing can feel like a curse.
Many times I feel like a freak. I feel like my emotions are out of control, and I don’t know how to rein them in properly. I feel like no one else is like me, and everyone else has such a normal life. If you are identifying with this I’m here to tell you that you’re not alone.
What do I do with my emotional looping?
I am still learning this myself, but a really powerful way to release emotion is through creative arts. Almost ALL artists, or I’d dare say ALL, are highly emotional people. You have to find a way to release these pent up feelings (whether good or bad) in a constructive light. For me writing has always been a way of releasing emotion. Or talking to someone about it. I get a giant build up in my head that feels like a ticking time bomb. I still deal with it all the time, since for years I repressed certain pains again and again.
Pain will come out. And if you are a looping empath, it won’t be pretty. You’ll see everyone and everything in light of that negative loop. Believe me. I went through it. I saw everyone around me the way my looping head wanted to see it, and ignored all else.
Find your outlet of creativity in whatever it is and DO IT for your own mental health. It could simply be helping out at a church, painting, writing, or building something. Whatever it is, put your emotion into it. Release the pent up feelings.
Here’s a list of things you could do to handle your emotions
- Journal them out.
- Write a blog or book
- Paint or draw
- Create something crafty
- Talk to a friend or counselor
- Read a book that rings true with you
- Get around a community that uplifts you
I’m still learning to do these things myself. Here’s another list. Just because I like lists.
- Create a positive mental/visual trigger. (When you start the loop have something that replaces the bad thought)
- Take notice of your feelings and thoughts more. Replace the negative feelings with a better feeling. (Even if it’s just slightly more positive.)
- If you need to “talk out” your thoughts, you can always do a video blog.
- Watch videos/read books that help you love yourself
I’ve been trying to listen to a few videos on YouTube about learning to love myself. I have battled accepting my emotional side forever. I always thought it was wrong or annoying, but I’m trying to love myself in EVERY emotional state I’m in.
As kids, we were rewarded for being good and feeling good, but if we were grumpy sometimes we were chastised. This can create a complex that feeling sad or angry is “bad” and we beat ourselves up over those negative feelings. Instead, if we stopped and LOVED ourselves in the bad emotion, we’d find it changing much quicker.
I love you guys. I hope this helped. If you are an empathic looper I’d love to hear your thoughts! I love feeling like I’m not the only one out there battling this.
Let the angels uplift you!
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So, I’ve been dating for roughly 8 months now (broke up once, almost twice, with the same guy). I was divorced last October, and started dating a guy in March. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
Tip 1. You’ll face the Ugly Past
Yikes. Yikes. Yikes. I had no idea that every ugly, painful, disgusting lie and belief I’ve ever had about my old relationship was going to bounce like tiger into my brain. Everything I do with my current boyfriend feels like ripping a wound open and reliving everything. My god, it’s crazy.
Tip 2. Emotion is a bitch
I don’t usually swear, but this seemed really fitting. I’ve never had this much emotion IN MY LIFE, and I am an emotionally sensitive person. Even, going for a nice walk I found myself trying to shove down the geyser of emotion that’s buried there. It pops up whenever and wherever.
Tip 3. You’re numb and scared
This is the hardest for me to face. I can’t seem to get over the past 12 years of my old relationship. I know it’s only been a year since I was divorced, but you want to beat yourself up for continually stepping backward again and again. It created a fear of love, a fear of not loving, and all the messy stuff in-between.
What I learned Today
After my crying spout, my feeling like he’ll be the same as my ex, and feeling unloved in my love language, it all hit me in the face. I have to love myself, and if he can’t match my vibration, the relationship will disperse. But, no matter what, I’ll find the one who’s meant for me by loving ME. I’m not saying my current boyfriend is like my ex or a jerk or something(he’s very loving and patient), but every emotion I felt with my ex surfaces no matter what. That’s why I realized that I HAVE to love myself right now in this messy, painful aftermath. Because, if my boyfriend actually is the one, I won’t see it if I don’t feel my own love. Whether he gives me loving words (which is my love language) or not is up to him, but once I love myself, I’ll attract someone who gladly gives me love in the way I need.
In loving myself, instead of allowing myself to be ruled by fear, I’ll be ruled by love, and my self-love will send out a high vibration to a man who will love me as I love myself. Make sense? It’s easier said than done for sure, and I want to start truly loving me for me. In the end, currently with my soulmate or not, he’ll show up. And so will yours.
From a Divorcee