Today was kinda weird.
I started a program for divorce recovery, called the Naked Divorce. It’s highly suggested to not be in a relationship, so that you can heal, and really sort yourself out. So, I talked to my boyfriend, and he and I are on a break. It kinda sucked, but I knew this was the best thing for my heart.
For about the first hour, I was pretty good, and then the feelings of “aloneness” hit me. Like this panicky feeling of not having someone in my life, and not having those daily touches–texts–calls. These are the feelings I’m trying to overcome. I even had this morbid thought of, “What’s the point of life without someone to share it?” Don’t worry, I’m fine. But, that opened up a whole new realm in my mind of thinking such as “Why do I believe me, by myself, isn’t worth much?” And that made me realize, this fear needs confronted.
Trembling. Shaky. Anxiety-ridden fear. These are some of the feelings I’ve been facing lately, and it comes and goes. When you divorce, you face these a lot. It doesn’t matter if you initiated the divorce or they did. You get scared. Being alone scares me to death for some reason, and I know I need to confront this head on.
I’m a grown adult, but these emotions make me feel like I’m 3-years-old and can’t do anything for myself. The world seems so huge, and it can feel like the ground is shaking beneath your feet.
4. You want to make it go away
I’ve been learning through my program not to do short term avoidance tactics such as movies, obsessive cleaning, socializing, drinking etc. There are tons of things people want to do to avoid their emotions. I’m learning to accept, feel, and love all my emotions. They have layers. Feel each layer deeply.
Today I felt so weirdly numb. I felt like I was in a fog or something. I try to tell myself that these types of feelings don’t last forever. They WILL pass.
I think I’ve had on and off heaviness in my life for years and years. I want to get to the root of these fears and pains, so that I can actually LIVE, and live for me. I’ve always been taught that you need to live for others, but I see how this can create a very poor mindset in yourself. You need to LIVE for you, and you will give out of that.
There is Hope
I want to encourage you if you are facing a divorce or an aftermath of one. There is hope. There is a better tomorrow. Don’t discount your grief. Don’t just tell yourself you’re fine. I’ve done that, and it doesn’t do anything. Emotions will come up in some way shape or form. Let them come out in a healthy way.
I read something in the program that was interesting. Facing a divorce is probably worse than a death. I say this because people who have a death in their life, get more emotional support. Often times a divorced person, get’s little to no support, and many people treat it like a disease that could be catching. They get panicky about their own relationship.
People are weird around divorcees and don’t know what to say. It’s okay. Give them a pass. There is help for those suffering from divorce. I am about to start this 21 day journey in a day or so, and I will keep you posted about how this is helping me. I pray for all the divorcees out there. I know how you feel. We have to believe that it WILL get better. I’m not there yet. I’m not sunshine and roses, but I trust that God has led me to the right source.
I love you all