Yes. I believe in unicorns.
Don’t you? What’s not to love about them? They’re a white horse with a horn coming out of their head, and rainbows shooting out of their cute, fluffy butts. Anything that burps out puffs of glitter is guaranteed to make you feel a little better about life.
Where did this unicorn idea come from? Did someone just say, “Hey, guys, I want to believe in a magical horse with a colorful horn.”
“I saw a creature the other day that can poop Skittles. Legit story, bro.”
The legend of the unicorn developed like any good myth—with something real. Let’s get ready to blow your mind.
Unicorns are in the Bible.
Wait, what? I can see your mind spinning even now. You’re probably thinking, this girl is cray-cray. There are definitely NOT unicorns in the Bible! Unicorns are make-believe frou-frou stuff for little girls. Well, darling, if you don’t believe me, let’s take a look.
God brought them out of Egypt; he hath as it were the strength of an unicorn.
Apparently, according to the Bible, unicorns are epic strong. They have to be in order to put up with everyone’s nonsense. These things are like the Hulk. Except not green and not an Avenger. And, let’s face it, they are way cuter. Sorry, Hulk.
All right, so one verse talks about unicorns, and now she’s talking about the Hulk? That doesn’t prove anything, right? This is just silly nonsense.
In that verse, they compared GOD Himself to a unicorn. There goes the manly card for God. Sorry, God, you are now a cute, white, fluffy horse with a horn. Oh, and You fart rainbows.
Oh my gosh, now she’s comparing GOD to a unicorn? This is just too much! God definitely does NOT fart rainbows!
Let’s read another scripture; this is getting fun now.
Will the unicorn be willing to serve thee, or abide by thy crib?
No idea why you’d want a unicorn hanging out by your crib, but all right, Job. Maybe the unicorn was helping put the baby to sleep by looking at the kid with its big, beautiful, blue eyes? Glitter—sparkles—of course that could be it.
Among this verse, Job is talking about all kinds of animals, so whatever this thing was claimed to be, it was a real creature. As real as the other animals he listed such as a: wild goat, wild ass, peacock, ostrich, horse, and the grasshopper.
His glory is like the firstling of his bullock, and his horns are like the horns of unicorns:
I don’t know what a bullock is, but unicorns have a pretty epic horn coming out of their head. Great for stabbing people who annoy you throughout the day.
If you’re a unicorn, you do what you want.
No, you shouldn’t be stabbing people—that is bad doctrine.
I know what you’re thinking. Wait a second. This is real? And there are more scriptures still? Come on, unicorns in the Bible? This is a giant joke.
No joke, people. Unicorns are real. Jesus said so. Well, okay Jesus never mentioned unicorns, but I just had to say that. If Jesus could pick an animal for a pet, I’m pretty sure He’d pick a unicorn. I mean, who wouldn’t? They’re adorable, colorful, and can poop out ice-cream.
Canst thou bind the unicorn with his band in the furrow? Or will he harrow the valleys after thee?
After reading some of those verses, is it really so crazy to believe unicorns are real? Not really. Open your heart up wide—let’s take a ride on the rainbows.
For more information on UNICORNS check out my NEW book: I Want to be a Unicorn (Why Unicorns are Real and You Can be One)
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Copyrighted material Z.Z. Rae 2017